Reprint of "It all hurts diet."
There wasn't really any weight problems a few thousand years ago, because everyone was starving.
Mostly they ate jerky (made out of God knows what animals) and grain. Who wants to eat grain? Soon all they did was pick at their food. They were so busy starving that they didn't have that much time to eat anyway.
There honestly were lots of cannibals in England in the darker ages and many lived under the castles, popping out to grab a traveler here and there. Nowadays people work in offices and eat Twinkies sitting on the Lazyboys built in to their butts, Their jobs burn few calories while the workers shoot rubber bands at each other in a constructive and productive manner. They rarely miss. Thanks to vending machines and lunch trucks fewer interns disappear these days.
Today's diets consist of food that are so disgusting that your stomach rejects them and goes looking for fat for nutrition. Which brings us to...
My diet! Having gotten stuck in the door and having had a carpenter widen it three times, I decided to lose weight.
It appears all the vitamins people take now have made everyone except me faster. I always seem to be leading a parade of track stars when I walk down aisles and hallways. It doesn’t help that they are making aisles and hallways narrower. I’m thinking of buying a baton. These insufferable people are constantly saying things like “Good morning Mister or sir.” I’ll start looking around for some old codger and glare at any one under the age of thirty when I realize it’s me.
During the 60’s when I was a young hippie, I had too much respect for my elders to call them sir, at least until I got drafted. You wouldn't want to get too casual though. I called my dad Hank …once. I regained consciousness about a week later and couldn’t remember his first name for the next couple of years.
Often, unbearably perky young people will ask me, “Why are you so cranky?” and I have to patiently explain to them that I have a wife and children, watch the news and wear corrective underwear that binds like theirs will in thirty years. They usually don’t ask again.
Well, supper’s ready. I hope it’s tofu night. Yum yum.