For safety’s sake and minimum blood loss I usually ram them into another car. I drive an old, faded, rusted out truck that I hope people hit, which of course insures that they won’t come near it. Buggies have no such qualms but what can they do that hasn't been done to the truck?
The opposite front wheel is usually covered with wads of petrified gum providing the surprisingly smooth glide of a Roto-tiller on frozen gravel. After enduring several disapproving stares as my cart screeches along, I'm able to appreciate the ability to annoy people.
All these obstacles still can’t keep shoppers out, so to further enhance the shopping experience, carts with a car-like kiddy seat protruding out the front are provided to placate all the screaming children with ADHD that normally would be smashing merchandise. This makes carts twice as long, effectively letting them totally block entire aisles.
They put things so high that people have to jump or climb to reach them resulting in screams and profanity from people in the next aisle being brained as products topple from their side. My guess is that the owners pay basketball teams with ladders to come in at night and restock the top selves.
After five minutes he is still trying to figure this out. A person at the back of the aisle, fresh out of anger management class, will lose it and start screaming profanities that jolt the stunned person out of their reverie. "Captain Beyond" will look up and owlishly blink a few times, completely forgetting what he was thinking about and happily move on to the next aisle, to have a conversation with a shelf-talker to see if he can get any tips on getting a date with the girl announcing the produce sprayer warning.
A fed-up, an angry mob hog tied them, dragged them off to the parking lot and threw them to the wild buggies. The last sight they saw was snarling buggies rearing up and pawing at the air with their front wheels. This, except when you are driving, is why God gave us cell phones. (Which is another rant I will address in a different article.) I have to admit it is kind of disgruntling to follow someone talking on an unseen earphone. If they just acquired a new love interest, and have more than three cans of whipped cream in their cart, its cheaper to follow them around than calling a 900 number.
Their buggies are mostly beer, pop, hotdogs, chips, and Twinkies and work much better than high-powered pheromones. This tactic is like chumming for fish, which by the way is illegal. The males with all the TV dinners and cans of Beefaroni are usually their accommodating victims. The appearance of some of these single moms is often because they develop eating disorders from the stress caused by trying to keep herd on their kids while shopping. These grocery supermodels break all spandex laws with impunity and are inevitably braless. Don’t get me wrong. There are drop dead gorgeous women who shop there too, just not when you or I am there. To be fair, most guys at the store are ugly, smelly, dirty and sporting mullet haircuts (on their faces). It's as if they had gotten trapped with a muppet in the machine from the movie "The Fly" and were somehow genetically altered. The last date these guys had, they picked up at an AA meeting or had to be inflated. They don’t deserve the meat-market monthly magazine centerfolds.