Eating a Dead Horse
I have been obese about two thirds of my life. I need to lose some weight, a lot actually. My crutches are killing my shoulders and I've ruined armpit hair that I've cultivated since puberty. I was a late bloomer as a teen, but at this stage of the game I'll take any hair I can get.
With my leg in a brace I currently have the mobility of the Lincoln memorial. So I've opted out of jogging but I have tons of those wide rubber bands they give you in the hospital.
Thirty years ago it was easy for me to lose weight. Even at the age of forty five it wasn't too hard, and do you know why? As a guy I wanted girls to look at me, so I had to work out in the gym four hours a day. I had motivation. I plan on being a lot more reasonable this time.
There wasn't really any weight problems a few thousand years ago, because everyone was starving.
Mostly they ate jerky (made out of God knows what animals) and grain. Who wants to eat grain? Soon all they did was pick at their food. They were so busy starving that they didn't have that much time to eat anyway.
There honestly were lots of cannibals in England in the darker ages and many lived under the castles, popping out to grab a traveler here and there. Nowadays people work in offices and eat Twinkies sitting on the barcaloungers built in to their butts, Their jobs burn few calories while the workers shoot rubber bands at each other in a constructive and productive manner . They rarely miss. Thanks to vending machines and lunch trucks fewer interns disappear these days.
Today's diets consist of food that are so disgusting that your stomach rejects them and goes looking for fat for nutrition.The last molecule of my hormones died about five years ago. Today I worry more about my dog's weight than mine.
Today losing weight is touted as being all about health and quality of life. From a medical standpoint that's true. It sounds less self centered than wanting to be irresistible, however I'd be willing to bet that eighty percent of people on a diet today just want to look good and couldn't care less about their health. Happy fiftieth birthday to the rest of you unless you are a movie star. Health is just a byproduct, so wanting to impress the opposite sex is inherently healthy.
The problem is that people think they will be able look like the genetic freaks on TV that create standards that about one half a percent the rest of the human race can achieve. Some of the women on TV have to wear fifteen layers of eye shadow so you can't see their eyes are bulging out of their skull, because there is no meat left on their face.(there must be a facial aerobic class they teach them in modeling school right after high velocity projectile vomiting.)
Under all that make up they look like Achmed the dead terrorist.
Their muscles appear to be wound cables covered in flesh colored cellophane.
For you women out there; Neither I or any man I ever knew ever wanted to date one of those twigs.
Men are worse. If guys can't get a twelve percent body fat and biceps they can poke their own eye out with, like the mutants on TV, they commit suicide by putting their head under the leg press machine.
Some of these Arnold wannabes are so musclebound and take so many steroids and supplements that they haven't been able to scratch the back of their own head since grade school. I like to push bodybuilders over, onto their backs, and then laugh as they bake in the sun trying to get up
On the flip side there are people who have tried and failed and now know they will never be able to live up to these standards and give up completely. They think, "If I were thin I wouldn't have to make up excuses for missing parties. I could get a girl or boyfriend. I could enjoy going out in public without feeling like I had Titanic written on the back of my shirt." These thoughts create a lot of depression. These are the normal people. This depression is another opportunity for the medical profession to frown and be concerned, at least long enough to get a few federal grants to study the cause of it.
If I hear the word health, I automatically think of sweating, vitamins, people seeing my embarrassingly flabby body in a gym, walking, starving myself, not watching TV, and not spending time on the computer. I feel guilty for not working out and eating right. I feel guilty for being fat, but for that matter so do people who are so skinny. Most of them have to be careful not to fall down a street grate. TV has convinced them that they're fat. Except for me, I don't know anyone who is not on a diet. They feel guilt for being like 99.5 percent of America.
Are there overweight people? You betcha! First and foremost me. I am an all or nothing person. If I'm not perfect, why try? I want to loose all the weight by next Tuesday. I'm not the only one. The dieting industry takes advantage of this prevalent attitude.
Before you begin sending me death threats I am aware and sympathetic to individuals with conditions that will not allow them to lose weight. I am not speaking of you. OK Aunt Nelda?
There as many diets as there are dieters. There are fruit juice fasts. There are diets that tell you not to eat carbohydrates, or avoid fat, and lower calorie intakes. On the no carbohydrate diet you can eat an entire cow, a horse, a cube of lard, or a convenience store's entire supply of beef jerky, oh, and pork-rinds Aunty Bell. Its a regular lardapalooza diet. On the low calorie diet you can eat anything as long as you don't go over two thousand calories, so you have the choice between a brownie crumb or three half meals. On the no fat diet you apparently just eat celery. I hear they're working on lowfat mouthwash. Reasonable plans like Weight Watchers are rare. They recently lowered point values off most fruits and vegetables to encourage Americans to eat more healthy foods. Personally I only eat green things on St. Patrick's day
There are diets where you drink so much water you gurgle, swirl and fall down when you stand up to pee, which is about all you do. You'll need an extra bathroom for that one. People constantly promote one fruit or berry as having super weight loss properties. My favorite sport is food covered in things like mayonnaise and maple syrup so, none of these really appeal to me.
I looked on a site that evaluated the most recent diets. There were ninety two of them. There are all types of pills that increase your metabolism or block fat absorption . Most of these are extreme and quick. There are reasonable diets out there.
Liposuction has become popular. Doctors suck all the fat out of you surgically. That's gotta be a hoot. I might have it sucked out just for the fun of replacing it. This is the perfect example of the effect of our idols.
I saw a skinny model's before and after pictures posted on a plastic surgeons web sight, and I honestly, truly couldn't tell which was before and which was after. There are great advances in this area that shows doctors are becoming more and more aware of the medical benefits of getting rich. Then there is the ring that closes off access to your stomach. I would do anything to lose weight except quit eating. This might work for me.
We're genetically programed to store up food for the lean months. Women store fat in their butts and thighs sometimes to the point they won't wear bikinis or walk in dry forests wearing corduroy pants to avoid starting fires. Men store fat in their stomachs but you still see them in Speedos. (We hope, it's hard to be sure sometimes. They're pretty hungover.)
|You can pinch an inch on these guy's foreheads|
The diet industry creates a famine in your head by talking about getting skinny and then they make money off it. All I have to do is talk about losing weight and I realize it's three hours until lunch so, I'd better get a couple of ham sandwiches and some cake to tide me over.
All these diets work and all of them don't work, Some may kill you. If you go off them you gain more weight than when you started, and the diet industry will make even more money off you next time.
Scientists say your metabolism slows down and makes it harder to lose weight as you grow older so I've got to eat even less food than most people. If I were to drop one hundred sixty lbs. today, I still wouldn't be as attractive as George Burns and he's dead. So motivation will be harder for me in that respect also.
I wonder... If I didn't know I was fat, and didn't know what the ideal was, what would I look like? Would not knowing have made a difference in the way I look now?
As I embark on my quest for true health, I need to get these things straight.
What's my motivation? Whats my plan? How am I going to lose weight?
I'll think about it while I'm eating these hamburgers and fries and get back to you.
Hey son, are you going to eat those onion rings?