My baby called said I need you here
It's half past four and I'm shifting gears.
Oh! Hi! Didn't see you there.
I was listening to Golden Earring's hit from the 70's "Radar Love" It sounds better on stolen drive-in speakers and played on an eight track.
Today's subject is driving:
Lately I have noticed that drivers are getting worse and worse so I sat myself down and asked myself why, and started answering myself. (you can do that at my age.) Could it be that other people would only appear to drive worse and it's just me driving bad? Naah! That's silly!
Other folks drive like idiots, but I have to admit that lately I have been seeing more middle fingers than a manicurist and frankly, it worries me.
Sure, I've grown older, but I'm pretty sure that just makes me a better driver. My reflexes are so fast they would allow me to be a professional boxer....Well, maybe an amateur... OK maybe about thirty years ago. My point is I'm not the slowest person in the world.
There must be some other reason people are waving digits at me. I don't have any obnoxious bumper stickers to make them mad.
I have had some weird problems though.
If you've read any of my previous posts, spirit activity has been a problem for me. It appears I am a locus for Ghostly aggression. It has become a factor in my driving. I suspect the poltergeists in my house have been in touch with their cousins, the gremlins. The little jerks are messing with me. It's really getting old fast. I'm hoping this is not indicative of my future after-life.
Somehow they can manipulate my speedometer. I will be driving along thinking I am going the speed limit but I'm actually going ten miles under it.
Then they will turn on my left blinker so no one can pass me and before you know it I look like I'm leading a funeral procession.
They also manipulate stop lights with comical results...or not. I get out of there pretty fast if I hear tires squealing.
While driving I look down and about half the time my emergency brake is on. What kind of idiot gremlin does this?
The gremlins have also taken control of my mirrors. I will try to switch lanes and suddenly there's a car where there wasn't one. It never shows up in my rear-view mirror. It appears out of thin air and I'd swear there were no cars anywhere near me for the previous two miles.
I'll go to the mall and my car is not where I left it. The little suckers move it. I usually find it around dark when most of the other cars are gone.
I can tell these pranks are supernatural because when I check the instruments later there is nothing wrong with them.
I often find my keys in the ignition, car door or the door to my house. No doubt the poltergeists in my house give the keys to the gremlins.
People I've talked to at the bar are experiencing the same type of things. I wonder if the bar is where gremlins hang out waiting for unsuspecting drivers. All I can say is, I hope no one gets hurt because of them
I've been driving a lot more in unfamiliar situations. My orthopedic surgeon is in a different town so I'm lost about fifty percent of the time. I am the type of person who gets lost going to the bathroom. I really need one of those GPS units because, frankly sometimes I can't hold it.
I'm good at recognizing places where things didn't used to be, which is not much help figuring out where I am.
About a year ago I was going to work and there was a huge power outage. All the street and highway lights were out and it was pitch black. I ended up lost in a town thirty miles away. Most people would think after ten minutes that they missed their exit and they would begin to wonder where they were and circle back. Not me.
On a related note, I think there should be a second chance exit ramp for people over fifty.
Since I quit drinking coffee I have almost no concept of time. Without coffee I often find myself sitting and staring at an object and when I look at my watch fifteen minutes have gone by. Sometimes I do that when my wife is talking. Come to think of it, I did that to my wife before I quit drinking coffee. After fifteen minutes listening to my boss, all I can do is sit and watch his mouth move up and down like a ventriloquist's dummy.
I've been driving a lot more defensively, maybe too defensively, or in other words, like my Grandmother.
The recommended rule of thumb is to keep a distance one car length for every ten miles per hour you are traveling from the car in front of you. I noticed that lately I have been keeping about three car lengths for every ten miles an hour. My wife and son are pretty good drivers but I cannot stand driving with them. What they consider a good distance from a car I consider tailgating.
Next week: Tailgating continued.