Tip for the day

Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does that benefit us? I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense we couldn't react to a lot of life. I can't tell if that's funny or really scary. Calvin

Don’t struggle to change. Struggle strengthens what you are trying to change.
- Cheri Huber

A day without laughter is a day wasted.
- Charlie Chaplin

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Wednesday, June 27, 2012




Been driving all night, my hands wet on the wheel.
There's a voice in my head that drives my heel.
My baby called said I need you here
It's half past four and I'm shifting gears.

Oh! Hi! Didn't see you there.
I was listening to Golden Earring's hit from the 70's "Radar Love" It sounds better on stolen drive-in speakers and played on an eight track.

Today's subject is driving:

 Lately I have noticed that drivers are getting worse and worse so I sat myself down and asked myself why, and started answering myself. (you can do that at my age.) Could it be that other people would only appear to drive worse and it's just me driving bad? Naah! That's silly! 

Other folks drive like idiots, but I have to admit that lately I have been seeing more middle fingers than a manicurist and frankly, it worries me.
Sure, I've grown older, but I'm pretty sure that just makes me a better driver.
My reflexes are so fast they would allow me to be a professional boxer....Well, maybe an amateur... OK maybe about thirty years ago. My point is I'm not the slowest person in the world. 

There must be some other reason people are waving digits at me. I don't have any obnoxious bumper stickers to make them mad. 

I have had some weird problems though. 
If you've read any of my previous posts, spirit activity has been a problem for me. It appears I am a locus for Ghostly aggression. It has become a factor in my driving. I suspect the poltergeists in my house have been in touch with their cousins, the gremlins. The little jerks are messing with me. It's really getting old fast. I'm hoping this is not indicative of my future after-life. 

Somehow they can manipulate my speedometer. I will be driving along thinking I am going the speed limit but I'm actually going ten miles under it. 

Then they will turn on my left blinker so no one can pass me and before you know it I look like I'm leading a funeral procession.  

They also manipulate stop lights with comical results...or not. I get out of there pretty fast if I hear tires squealing. 

While driving I look down and about half the time my emergency brake is on. What kind of idiot gremlin does this?

The gremlins have also taken control of my mirrors.  I will try to switch lanes and suddenly there's a car  where there wasn't one. It never shows up in my rear-view mirror. It appears out of thin air and I'd swear there were no cars anywhere near me for the previous two miles.

I'll go to the mall and my car is not where I left it. The little suckers move it. I usually find it around dark when most of the other cars are gone. 

I can tell these pranks are supernatural because when I check the instruments later there is nothing wrong with them. 
I often find my keys in the ignition, car door or the door to my house. No doubt the poltergeists in my house give the keys to the gremlins.

People I've talked to at the bar are experiencing the same type of things. I wonder if the bar is where gremlins hang out waiting for unsuspecting drivers. All I can say is, I hope no one gets hurt because of them

I've been driving a lot more in unfamiliar situations. My orthopedic surgeon is in a different town so I'm lost about fifty percent of the time. I am the type of person who gets lost going to the bathroom. I really need one of those GPS units because, frankly sometimes I can't hold it. 

I'm good at recognizing places where things didn't used to be, which is not much help figuring out where I am. 

About a year ago I was going to work and there was a huge power outage. All the street and highway lights were out and it was pitch black. I ended up lost in a town thirty miles away. Most people would think after ten minutes that they missed their exit and they would begin to wonder where they were and circle back. Not me. 

On a related note, I think there should be a second chance exit ramp for people over fifty. 
Since I quit drinking coffee I have almost no concept of time. Without coffee I often find myself sitting and staring at an object and when I look at my watch fifteen minutes have gone by. Sometimes I do that when my wife is talking. Come to think of it, I did that to my wife before I quit drinking coffee. After fifteen minutes listening to my boss, all I can do is sit and watch his mouth move up and down like a ventriloquist's dummy.

I've been driving a lot more defensively, maybe too defensively, or in other words, like my Grandmother. 

The recommended rule of thumb is to keep a distance one car length for every ten miles per hour you are traveling from the car in front of you. I noticed that lately I have been keeping about three car lengths for every ten miles an hour.  My wife and son are pretty good drivers but I cannot stand driving with them. What they consider a good distance from a car I consider tailgating. 
Next week: Tailgating continued.


  1. Like you said its indicative of your future after-life.

    You're getting old. Get yerself a mixed CD of classic rock driving songs and you'll be speeding along aggressively in no time, sweetie.

    1. Who you calling old, you red headed whipper-snapper you. LOL

  2. I know people like you - no, actually, I meant to say, I see people like you on the road every day. And you know what, they don't have accidents - in fact, they seem to be able to preempt situations long before they happen. So you drive slower (read better) not that you have matured. Nothing wrong. What is a big problem is the morons who lane hop, squeeze into that safety gap you make between your car and the one in front, and especially them who think that because they have initiated their indicators THEY NOW HAVE A RIGHT TO MOVE OVER INTO THE FRONT OF YOU AND YOU HAVE TO MAKE SPACE FOR THEM. I and my son are bikers. We see first hand every single day how modern drivers are deadly!!!! I would swop my environment for one filled with a million elderly drivers any day!
    Again, nice post!

    1. I haven't been in a wreck since I quit drinking about ten years ago. American bikers drive like idiots and then whine about people driving cars. They dart in and out of traffic and accelerate into their own deaths. I'm glad you are a responsible biker.

  3. I am well aware that I piss off many drivers in my neighborhood. I refuse to drive faster than the posted speed limit of 25 mph. I actually had a woman pass me a flip me off a couple of months ago. But I feel I have been vindicated because had I not been doing the posted speed, I am fairly certain I would have t-boned the car that made a u-turn in front of me.
    The streets are full of scofflaws. I don't intend to be one of them.

    1. I remember about three years ago someone tail gating me so I pulled over and then chased them like I would beat the crap out of them. We got to a street and he was speeding and ran a red light while I peeled off onto the exit ramp. There was a cop at the intersection and the last thing I saw was a flashing red light chasing them. There is a God.

  4. My poor old dad is seventy-two and can be seen doing 30 on the busiest highways. My mum often complains that he drives so slow, she might as well just get out the car and run beside it.

    Btw love the line "I have been seeing more middle fingers than a manicurist."

    1. Sometimes I do that just to piss A holes off.