This is the longer version of what I posted at Daft Scots Lass. I had an even longer version that compares B's to my cat, but no one has that kind of attention span. I don't seem to be able to write short articles. If I start it just keeps coming.
To B or not to B
There is a question burning in the hearts of American females and about one out of every ten males. Every morning they get up, look into their mirrors and ask themselves, “Other than a female dog, what is a bitch?” For the reader’s sensibilities I will refer to them as B’s from now on, or at least until I go to work tomorrow.
In spite of the dictionary definition, female dogs have none of the true qualities to be a B. This is because dogs are stupid, and as long as you feed them they are happy. B used to be a title only a proud few could wear. The term is currently used indiscriminately to mean any female oriented person. With this article I am going to confront the irreverent use of the word B and attempt to restore the B word to its former glory and true meaning.Very few humans have the talent to demonstrate a full array of B behaviors.
Of course you understand I have not been closely associated with any Bs since before I was married.
I have seen roommate B's fight to the death over a carton of moldy yogurt, or a hairdryer. They are also very possessive of the roads they drive on. I have seen a B purposefully ram the back of a car one nanosecond after the light turns green. This is not just a female trait, but it is prevalent behavior in a practicing B. The poor B’s roommate cannot not touch the B’s clothes even if she puts them on the porch in a sack marked for the Salvation Army. A B usually has nothing to wear and three closets to put it in. Conversely the B will not only use roommate’s new outfit without asking for permission, but her boyfriend as well.
One of the B's main qualities is back stabbing. Quit your job if there is one in your office. Backstabbing is the norm for a B. A reason is not necessary, only an opportunity. B's have long claws so, if you are a girl, do not, under any circumstances, so much as look at a B's boyfriend. Actually it's probably not a good idea to look at them if you are a male. They are no longer persons. They are property. Their imaginations will create more drama and tragedy than Shakespeare. If you are in a special relationship with a special B remember, a B occupies a lot of psychological space, treasure it or consider life without limbs. I know of a B that burned a guys house down because she saw a girl thank him for jumping her car. After a few death threats, the innocent girl moved to a different area code.
A genuine B can’t stand to see someone doing nothing. If the house is clean, the yard is perfect, the car is running tiptop and you contemplate going fishing with your free time, the B will sense this disturbance in the force. She will insist that you spend your free Saturday at the World Wide Organization Of B’s doing volunteer work. A B's greatest fear is that somewhere someone is happy.
B’s get your attention by going on a shopping spree with your credit card. Bankruptcy lasts for seven years. A true B with a credit card can spend enough to fix the economy.
If your B catches you watching a sporting event or a real time crisis in the nature of the twin tower bombing instead of her, it will be weeks before the B will speak to you again. There is nothing scarier than a silent B. You just sit around dreading for the other high heel to drop. You know what's coming, just not when. Three AM on a work night is typical. You'll probably be sleeping on the couch a lot. Some of their mates have their clothes made out of blankets. B’s invented the need to suck up so they could control the universe. (This explains Hillary Clinton.)
The only right thing to do after committing a blunder, like ignoring her for more time than it takes to go to the restroom, is to sit rigidly on the couch and try not to breathe too loudly till she is done pouting and wait for instructions. Cleaning house is a relatively safe way to implement damage control. In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
B'S will provoke at any occasion and will never ever admit they ever did anything wrong. Remember, any time she is mad it's always your fault. You've either done something or not done something. If you don't know, don't guess. Just hang your head. Speaking is just more high octane gas for the B-mobile.
A B will allow a lull in a relationship and permit everything to go smoothly for a while. The seemingly content B, with no warning or provocation will start talking about divorce at the dinner table.
It soon escalates and the hubby's shortcomings will become common knowledge to the neighborhood via much screaming. A visit from the police temporarily gives him some respite in a nice quiet cell reserved for domestic violence perpetrators. Upon release he will discover his prize baseball cards were burned with his clothes. He won't miss his belongings much, as there is very limited storage space under the bridge. Don't worry, it won't last more than a couple of months. This kind of behavior is just her funny little way of showing affection and putting spice back in the relationship.
A B is not much fun on a dinner date. She will send back her steak to the kitchen three times and then dump her wine on you when you say something innocuous like: "I had a hard time ironing this shirt tonight." In B speak that means "If I buy you dinner you must iron my shirts." Do not assume you understand B language. A true B will never tolerate this kind of inconsiderate pig behavior unless you are filthy rich and then only till she gets all your money. If anything nice about her appearance is said you are harassing. I used to say something like "My sister would kill to have that outfit." hopefully she won't think that you think of her as a sister. There is a fine line. There is a lot of thinking about what you think about what she thinks. Think fast, plan ahead, or die. A B does a lot of assuming. Life with her can make Peyton Place look like a Nancy and Sluggo comic.
The single B generally has several tortured and tormented ex-boyfriends. She hangs their diamond rings on heart shaped plaques with their engraved names on her wall to celebrate her kills. She will hunt a rich boyfriend to add to her trophy wall for years if necessary. His fifty karat ring will go in a lighted glass case to make other B’s jealous.
The typical B changes her mind every ten minutes. A B will nag and nag and nag about not being taken out for dinner and dancing and then when the gullible, insignificant other makes reservations the B declines the offer because of a reality show that’s airing that evening on TV about women who didn't know they were pregnant. B’s have been known to cancel a wedding four times.
The consummate B has you under surveillance every
second of the day and with the GPS tracking devices in use today you may as well be living on live TV. Bear in mind a B never forgets. Do not hide money or spend anything. She counts your piggy bank every night. You must not speak to your sixty-five year old female co-worker under any circumstances. If a co-worker calls your wife because you have electrocuted yourself, it better be a man who calls them. If there are no men around, go ahead and die. B's invented jealousy.
Hopefully you realize now that the title of B must be earned and is not to be used in vain. Referring to ordinary women as B’s is a heinous sacrilege and the practice must be stopped! I have outlined many of the qualities of a true B and as you can plainly see most women will never be able to live up to them. I feel I have done my part for B-dom with this article. The title B, is not for just any girl that won’t date you, so don’t sully it by indiscriminately throwing it around.
I've got to run. My friend just called and said he needs a book on foot massage for his girlfriend as her designer high heels he bought for her, hurt her feet. He is scheduled to get out of ICU in two days. Be careful who you call a B, she might actually be one. Perhaps I will address S.O.B.'s next week.