There is a question burning in the hearts of American females and about one out of every six males. Every morning they get up, look into their mirrors and ask themselves, “Other than a female dog, what is a bitch?” For the reader’s sensibilities I will refer to them as B’s from now on, or at least until I go to work tomorrow. In spite of the dictionary definition, female dogs have none of the true qualities to be a B. This is because dogs are stupid, and as long as you feed them they are happy. B used to be a title only a proud few could wear. The term is currently used indiscriminately to mean any female oriented person. With this article I am going to confront the irreverent use of the word B and attempt to restore the B word to its former glory and true meaning.
Of course I have not been closely associated with any Bs since before I was married, however I do have a cat that more than qualifies. I named her Bobbi for the simple reason that she is a Manx and Manx cats have no tails or little bobtails. Perhaps that creates a lot of anger in her.
Bobbi exhibits the entire spectrum of B behavior . For our purposes she will be demonstrating all the true qualities of a B because very few humans have the talent to demonstrate a full array of B behaviors. I will then try to convey the human approximation.
Bobbi does not play well with cats of her gender (or any gender, or species come to think of it.) She is territorial and on a good day, Bobbi will not let our other female cat, Nika, enter her half of the house. Any brief encounters between the cats cause noises that make our dogs whine, run in circles and cower. The cats each have their own bowl and their own litter box. Bobbi is a finicky eater so we have not introduced her to lobster. Her special cat-food still costs more than a week’s groceries for three adults. She would rather starve than eat something she doesn’t like. Bobbie hates Nika’s food but she will go to Nika’s bowl and sit in front of it, glaring at Nika in an intimidating manner, as if to say “Come on! You want some of this Huh, Huh?” Bobbie has her own toys and woe to any person or animal that touches or moves them. We give her toys a wide berth if she is near them. My hands have been inflicted with more scars than Freddie Kruger’s from trying to pick up or move any of her stuff.
// Human B’s exhibit this behavior with their roommates over the bathroom in the mornings. I have seen roommate B's fight to the death over a carton of moldy yogurt, or a hairdryer. They are also very possessive of the roads they drive on. I have seen a B purposefully ram the back of a car one nanosecond after the light turns green. This is not just a female trait, but it is prevalent behavior in a practicing B. Even winos sometimes share their last bottle with a fellow drunk. The poor B’s roommate cannot not touch the B’s clothes even if she puts them on the porch in a sack marked for the Salvation Army. A b usually has nothing to wear and three closets to put it in. Conversely the B will not only use roommate’s new outfit without asking for permission, but her boyfriend as well.
Our poor, sweet, little, eighty-pound, pit bull often lays on a chair in the living room minding her own business trying to be invisible in hopes we don't notice she is on the chair. Bobbi will stop in front of her and start staring. Poppy (the dog) will open one eye and look down at her. Bobbi will stare harder. Poppy will wrinkle her forehead as if puzzled and look at her again. Bobbi will stare even harder. Finally Poppy will sigh hugely, look mournfully in my direction and vacate the chair when I shrug with my hands up. Bobbie will jump up on the chair, turn around and show her rear as if making an obscene gesture, and strut back with her nose in the air to the living room where she originally was.
// B'S will provoke at any occasion and will never ever admit they ever did anything wrong. Remember, any time she is mad it's always your fault. You've either done something or not done something. If you don't know, don't guess. Just hang your head. She will rip out your ego and put it in a box.
Like cats, B's are good strutters. B's often wear high heels. The way you can tell the difference from an ordinary woman wearing high heels from a B is that a B can stomp in high heels and when she struts, she is striding quickly, swinging her arms, looking for all the world like she's on a mission to hurt someone versus the mincing steps of most normal women trying to be cute. I have seen professional wrestlers cringe when a B stomps by them in high heels.
If we don't keep Bobbi's litter box spotless she will glare at us like a grinch in a bad mood. It's a thankless job. My son has the dubious honor of cleaning said litter three times a day while being observed and scrutinized for thoroughness. Carelessness results in a wet floor, usually stepped on in the middle of the night.
//A genuine B can’t stand to see someone doing nothing. If the house is clean, the yard is perfect, the car is running tiptop and you contemplate going fishing with your free time, the B will sense this disturbance in the force. She will insist that you spend your free Saturday at the World Wide Organization Of B’s doing volunteer work. A B's greatest fear is that somewhere someone is happy.
Bobbi will often jump up onto the kitchen table at dinnertime, stick her nose in all the food, poke at it and sneeze, if for no other reason, than that you have the audacity to eat something she wasn’t offered. She demands anything anyone else has for no apparent reason other than she thinks someone might want it. Unless you have a lot of catnip handy to divert her, she will make sure no one else can enjoy a meal.
// Likewise a B is not much fun on a dinner date. She will send back her steak to the kitchen three times and then dump her wine on you when you say something innocuous like: "I had a hard time ironing this shirt tonight." In B speak that means "If I buy you dinner you must iron my shirts." Do not assume you understand B language. A true B will never tolerate this kind of inconsiderate behavior unless you are filthy rich and then only till she gets all your money. If anything nice about her appearance is said you are harassing. I used to say something like "My sister would kill to have that outfit." hopefully she won't think that you think of her as a sister. There is a fine line. There is a lot of thinking about what you think that she thinks. Think fast, plan ahead, or die. A B does a lot of assuming.
B's do not need Kleenex to prove they are snotty. Nothing is ever, ever good enough for a B. The inability to find perfection is just high-octane gas in her B-mobile and keeps her revved up.
If Bobbi thinks you pay more attention to a newspaper than her, she will sashay over to you and sit in the middle of it and look up at you as if to say, “What the heck do you think you are doing?”
Afterwards, I have to worship her for not slashing my face off. What was I thinking?
// If your B catches you watching a sporting event or a real time crisis in the nature of the twin tower bombing instead of her, it will be weeks before the B will speak to you again. There is nothing scarier than a silent B. You just sit around dreading for the other high heel to drop. You know what's coming, just not when. Three AM on a work night is typical. You'll probably be sleeping on the couch a lot. Some men have their clothes made out of blankets. B’s invented the need to suck up so they could control the universe. (This explains Hillary Clinton.) The only right thing to do after committing a blunder, like ignoring her for more time than it takes to go to the restroom, is to sit rigidly on the couch and try not to breathe too loudly till she is done pouting and wait for instructions. Cleaning house is a relatively safe way to implement damage control.
Sometimes we have to leave Bobbi alone for a while or inadvertently do something that annoys her, like vacuuming or making the bed she is sleeping on. Bobbi has no choice other than to straighten us out by peeing on the bed or our clothes after which we must behave more civilly to placate her. We must get her a new toy every time we go to Pet smart. It takes her almost ten minutes to shred it. If we are not complying properly, she will shred the furniture and curtains. If not disciplined, humans can soon be out of control and chaos will ensue.
//Likewise a B is not much fun on a dinner date. She will send back her steak to the kitchen three times and then dump her wine on you when you say something innocuous like: "I had a hard time ironing this shirt tonight." In B speak that means "If I buy you dinner you must iron my shirts." Do not assume you understand B language. A true B will never tolerate this kind of inconsiderate behavior unless you are filthy rich and then only till she gets all your money. If anything nice about her appearance is said you are harassing. I used to say something like "My sister would kill to have that outfit." hopefully she won't think that you think of her as a sister. There is a fine line. There is a lot of thinking about what you think that she thinks. Think fast, plan ahead, or die. A B does a lot of assuming.
Any time Bobbi thinks we have her figured out, she will tear madly through the house for a few minutes, then sit on top of a bookcase where we can easily see her and glare down at us from her throne for about a half an hour letting us know that scum like us are beneath her. //
A B will allow a lull in a relationship and permit everything to go smoothly for a while. The seemingly content B, with no warning or provocation will start talking about divorce at the dinner table. It soon escalates and the hubby's shortcomings will become common knowledge to the neighborhood via much screaming. A visit from the police temporarily gives him some respite in a nice quiet cell reserved for domestic violence perpetrators. Upon release he will discover his prize baseball cards were burned with his clothes. He won't miss his belongings much as there is very limited storage space under the bridge. Don't worry, it won't last more than a couple of months. This kind of behavior is just her funny little way of showing affection and putting spice back in the relationship.
I have observed Bobbi sneak up on our sleeping dog, and reach over and poke her with a single claw. Poppy will jump up with a start and start biting at the stabbed area thinking a bug has bitten her. Bobbi will be innocently giving herself a bath a couple yards away when Poppy looks suspiciously looks at her.
// Backstabbing is the norm for a B. A reason is not necessary, only an opportunity. B's have long claws so, if you are a girl, do not, under any circumstances, so much as look at a B's boyfriend. Actually it's probably not a good idea to look at them if you are a male. They are no longer persons. They are property. Their imaginations will create more drama and tragedy than Shakespeare. If you are in a special relationship with a special B remember, a B occupies a lot of psychological space, treasure it or consider life without limbs. I know of a B that burned a guys house down because she saw a girl thank him for jumping her car. After a few death threats, the innocent girl moved to a different area code. This same B used to work for me. She got me fired by another B for making her do some actual work. I live in a brick house I bought after her sister made me hire her.
Bobbi goes out when she wants, even in the middle of the night. Sometimes after her nocturnal sojourns, we must clean up the dead mouse that Bobbi, (The Jungle Cat) has brought back for us to clean. The poor maimed and mutilated mouse has to be snuck to the trash bin. I guess she expects us to stuff and mount it.
// The single B generally has several tortured and tormented ex-boyfriends. She hangs their diamond rings on heart shaped plaques with their engraved names on her wall to celebrate her kills. She will hunt a rich boyfriend to add to her trophy wall for years if necessary. His ring will go in a lighted glass case to make other B’s jealous. Life with her can make Peyton Place look like a Nancy and Sluggo comic.
Sometimes Bobbi will meow and meow and meow till we get up to let her out, then she will stick her nose out the door just to check the weather and go back to her bed.
// The typical B changes her mind every ten minutes. A B will nag and nag and nag about not being taken out for dinner and dancing and then when the gullible, insignificant other makes reservations the B declines the offer because of a reality show that’s airing that evening on TV about women who didn't know they were pregnant. B’s have been known to cancel a wedding four times.
God help us if Bobbi can’t wake us up in the mornings to feed her. If we don’t get up as quickly as she would like, she will start knocking things (usually breakable) off the bureau to make enough noise on our hardwood floor to rouse us. If we still don’t get up, Bobbi will leave a couple of hair-balls in our shoes that one could play golf with, then come back into the bedroom to walk on our heads and jump on our stomachs. This is how she gets attention.
// B’s get your attention by going on a shopping spree with your credit card. In this case I’d rather have the cat. Bankruptcy lasts for seven years. A true B with a credit card can spend enough to fix the economy
If you have ever stepped on a cat you are probably aware how high you can jump. //
That noise is nothing compared to the volume an accomplished B can achieve on a good rant. An angry B cannot be mistaken for Memorex because the stadium speakers needed would cause too much distortion and couldn't tolerate that kind of abuse for such extended periods of time.
When mad, the vocabulary of an angered B can offend mechanics. Over the years the spouses of Bs sustain ear hernias. Because of the hearing damage they must wear hearing aids with little bitty trusses in them. Thankfully they have volume controls on them.
Bobbi is curious. She will investigate every nook and cranny of your house. We have often found her stuck in a sock drawer we closed and didn't know she was hiding in. Bobbi will often spy on us when she thinks we are not looking. We do not pet stray cats. Bobbi will smell them and try to cover the scent. You can guess what with.
// The consummate B has you under surveillance every second of the day and with the GPS tracking devices in use today you may as well be on live TV. Bear in mind a B never forgets. Do not hide money or spend anything. She counts your piggy bank every night. You must not speak to your sixty-five year old female co-worker under any circumstances. If a co-worker calls your wife because you have electrocuted yourself, it better be a man who calls them. If there are no men around, go ahead and die. B's invented jealousy.
Bobbi likes being petted only one way and lets us know we are doing it right by sticking her butt up in the air. After about ten minutes of this, she tires of the petting, turns around and slashes, letting us know we are dismissed.
// Look up B goddess's for yourself; I’m not touching this one with a ten-foot pole, even for this article.
B’s are aggressive, assertive, domineering, overbearing, spiteful, hostile, direct, blunt, candid, obnoxious, thick-skinned, hard-headed, vicious, dogmatic, pushy, loud-mouthed, independent, stubborn, demanding, manipulative, egoistic, overwhelming, threatening, scary, ambitious, tough, brassy, boisterous, and turbulent. Hopefully you realize now that the title of B must be earned and is not to be used in vain. Referring to ordinary women as B’s is a heinous sacrilege and the practice must be stopped. I have outlined many of the qualities of a true B and as you can plainly see most women will never be able to live up to them. I feel I have done my part for Bdom with this article. The title B, is not for just any girl that won’t date you, so don’t sully it by indiscriminately throwing it around.
I've got to run. My friend just called and said he needs a book on foot massage for his girlfriend as her designer high heels he bought for her, hurt her feet. He is scheduled to get out of ICU in two days. Be careful who you call a B, she might actually be one. Perhaps I will address S.O.B.'s next week.