Tip for the day

Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does that benefit us? I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense we couldn't react to a lot of life. I can't tell if that's funny or really scary. Calvin

Don’t struggle to change. Struggle strengthens what you are trying to change.
- Cheri Huber


A day without laughter is a day wasted.
- Charlie Chaplin


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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

IT ALL HURTS EYESIGHT

I often end up in the women’s bathroom or having long conversations with flower arrangements.  



IT ALL HURTS EYESIGHT

      Aging eyes are somewhat problematic, so I thought it warranted a short commentary to go with my "It All Hurts" series.
       Some people tilt their head back so far when they wear bifocals as they read a book or work on a computer, that I often think I can see their brains through their nose . I had a special pair of computer glasses made so people won’t see whether booger fairy has blessed me. They also allow me to read things closer than ten feet away.
Sometimes I forget to switch back to my regular glasses and often end up in the women’s bathroom or having long conversations with flower arrangements. Plants are very good listeners usually (except for poinsettias for some reason.) If I don't have my regular glasses on, I can't differentiate between fireworks and beer signs. I've been known to finish off half a can of dog food because I couldn't see the label without my glasses. We'll talk about taste buds some other time.
      Hon and I went to the grocery store once and somehow I lost my glasses in the car. (I take them off when she's driving.) Browsing the produce Dept. I  had a ten minute conversation about tomatoes with a person I'd never met thinking it was my wife. When my wife rescued the woman, they laughed until they cried. If I thought I could have driven home without my glasses, I would have left her there.
      I've addressed losing glasses before, so let it suffice to say, make sure you have a bunch of them around. I'll just say one word...Poltergeists
      How anyone could let young Dr. Skywalker, who looks like he is fresh out of high school, operate on his or her eyes with something like a light saber is beyond me, (THEY CUT AN ACTUAL SLIT IN YOUR EYE WITH A LASER!) especially after what happened to Count Dooku. (If kids can't learn how to read in high school, where are they getting these twenty something doctors?) I've been assured Lasix is perfectly safe, (THEY CUT AN ACTUAL SLIT IN YOUR EYE WITH A LASER!) but when I consider having it done, all I can think of is the time I mutilated a cow’s eye trying to dissect it in Mr. Wooster’s Jr. High science class with an Exacto knife, so I won't let anyone CUT A SLIT IN MY EYE WITH A LASER unless I am certain whether he has more credentials than a note from his mother stating he has read "Delicate Eye Surgery for Dummies."
      The other day I was taking a shower and I heard this horrible screeching and thumps on the floor. I peered out the shower curtain and saw my wife apparently possessed, rolling on the floor, screaming and kicking her legs. Being a discerning and sensitive spouse I said, “Honey, are you OK?” She had put the contact cleaning solution in her eye by mistake. You can’t imagine my relief when I realized that a portal to hell hadn’t appeared in my bathroom. That doesn't happen to people who wear glasses.
      What is it that makes contacts so special? Who wants to bleed to death through their eyes and look like Dracula? They float to the corner of your eye and you can't get them out, they get lost down the drain, you can’t wear them when the wind blows and you end up wearing glasses half the time anyway.
      I wear my special shatterproof glasses all the time so that if I get shot in the face with a shotgun, my eyes will be hanging there in the air intact. Let’s see contacts do that!
      Glasses have special disguising properties. No one ever noticed superman was really Clark Kent when he took off his glasses, so if you live near one of the leaking nuclear plants, turn green and gain super powers, just wear your glasses and your secret identity will be safe.  When I lived near the Rocky Flats nuclear site all I got was an extra middle finger. It's very handy when I'm mad.
      I have noticed one of the drawbacks to glasses is that they get dirty and when you sweat, they crawl down your nose. I get the kind that hook behind your ears, but there is no cure for sweat streaks. Once I bought a type of plastic gutter held in place above my eyebrows by elastic. They worked extremely well for riding my bicycle. Not so great for just running, as sweat does not evaporate as quickly when moving slower. As far as looks go you may as well wear a beanie cap with a propeller on it.
      Glasses steam up when it's cold or you are around long-legged women. In the latter case it's just as well if you're with your wife, as long as you don't blindly grope around in front of you towards unfamiliar blobs. I remember a not so pleasant incident where I slapped a girl on the butt thinking it was my wife.
      Another weird thing is; You can't hear without glasses, which explains a lot about people that have had eye surgery from young doctors or wear contacts. 

I have astigmatism and my dominant eye is my left eye and I am right handed. My left eye  has horrible vision and gives me double vision when I focus hard on far away things, so I had a pair sort of like this made for target archery and trapshooting. You can't believe the guff I've taken. "Five alive, Robo-Cop, Wall-e and Borg boy." are often heard around the range. You really need both eyes to be great, but this helped. I have a brother that only has one eye so I'm not whining. Other than fine target shooting regular glasses work fine. They're not helpful with instinctive shooting. I just know your fascinated
 
To sum up:
 
1. Your eyesight deteriorates as you age.
2. Laser surgery is not an option.
3. Contacts are not an option.
4. You get a lot of benefits, relationships (and things) by not wearing glasses at strategic times.
5. It doesn't matter if people are ugly.
o;ermy py hp ypj nsyj tpp, Darnit! I Took off my glasses and forgot.  
6. Wear glasses.
Be seeing you... or not
Grins out

6 comments:

  1. I am seriously interested to know how you got through half a can of dog food, before you realised what you were eating.

    Like you, I take off my glasses when my sister is driving. I prefer to not have a close up of my imminent death. I did try bi-focal glasses once and it felt like being in an alternate universe...until I tripped over a pavement... stupid bi-focal lens!

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    1. Have you tasted Dinty Moore stew lately? Alpo is better.

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  2. I totally understand the statement between #5 and #6. The sad thing is I don't have to take off my glasses

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    1. I think my wife asked me to sign our tax returns about then.

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  3. Loved this post. Sadly I was given the blessings of the bifocal. I am near sighted in one eye. far sighted in the other with an astigmatism. A isn't that just great at the eye doctors, but comforting because I was convinced I would be leaving with a white cane and a german shepherd dog. :) Also Stopping by to also tell you Tag You are it in the 11 question Tag Meme.

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  4. I like the way your write. Will be back!
    Salagatle!

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